The Snworb
Jim Donovan (the voice of The Snworb): "Good morning, Cleveland! I'm Jim Donovan, the voice of The Snworb, and welcome to the 17th Annual Name Rearrangement Parade, celebrating that momentous day when Art Modell became Tar Llodem! And joining me is none other than former Dayton Triangles quarterback, Bort Blakesel! How are you doing, Bort?"
Bort Blakesel: "Jim, I'm fantastic! Honestly, this is the most excited I've been since I first realized you can exchange corn for time in Cincinnati! What a day we have in store—balloons, bands, and of course, some of the wildest floats you'll ever see. I've got goosebumps, Jim. Literal goosebumps."
Jim Donovan: "And what better way to start off than with our first float of the day—ah, here it comes now—The Supreme Court! Look at that, folks, these oversized justices are waving their gavels and tossing candy letters to the crowd."
Bort Blakesel: "Are those licorice Q's? Who's eating those? Gummy N's for me, please!"
Jim Donovan: "We've got another float coming up! This one's a real showstopper—it's 'Name Rearrangement Town,' where Snworb players past and present are hard at work, rearranging the names of lucky fans drawn from the crowd. I see Bitjoin Oleo over there helping someone shuffle the letters around. Bitjoin, what's the trick to finding the perfect new name?"
Bitjoin Oleo: "Hey there, Jim! The trick? Oh, it's all in the nose. You gotta sniff out the right transformation of the letters, y'know? Each name's got a scent, a story. You piece it together like tracking a trail in the woods—takes instinct. Like this one here: guy's name was 'Dave Smith.' Solid name, nothing wrong with it. But I caught a whiff of something more... dramatic. Shifted the letters around, and now he's 'Vade Misth.' Smells like the kind of name you'd bellow in front of a full moon in a final battle, right?"
Bort Blakesel: "Sounds like you're having a howling good time out there, Bitjoin. And a big congratulations to Vade Misth! Coming up, here we have Hade Joen, Snworb cornerback, juggling three footballs while riding a unicycle. Hade, how do you make juggling look so easy?"
Hade Joen: "Juggling's just training for Sundays, Bort. You think those one-handed interceptions just happen?"
Bort Blakesel: "You know, Jim, being a parade analyst was always my dream. Some kids grow up wanting to win the Super Bowl or, I don't know, discover a new planet or something. But me? I used to sit on the curb at the Independence Day parade in Dayton, dreaming about this moment—commenting on floats, breaking down candy tosses, really digging into confetti strategy."
Jim Donovan (the voice of The Snworb): "Is that...true, Bort?"
Bort Blakesel: "Think about it, Jim. As a quarterback, you're always reading the field—who's where, what's coming next, how to pivot when the defense shows a blindside blitz. That's basically parade analysis! Substitute a defensive end with a giant inflatable Snworb helmet, and bam—same skill set."
Jim Donovan: "Well, it's clear you've found your calling. Why don't you introduce this next float?"
Bort Blakesel: "Looks like a phase-space diagram. Yep, something's going on in these dimensions. Must be Dr. Selene Hartwell's latest results on nominative determinism. What's up, Doc?"
Dr. Selene Hartwell: "Quite a lot, actually. Here, I present 'Lexical Convergence Dynamics.' The figure illustrates the interplay between a person's name and the trajectories their life takes. For example, the shift from 'Art Modell' to 'Tar Llodem' didn't just reflect a legal ruling—it created new pathways for Llodem's influence, narrowing his options like a collapsing quantum waveform."
Jim Donovan: "Fascinating to think a name can be a destiny. Speaking of names, here's the 'Jim Donovan the Voice of The Snworb' float! I didn't think they'd go this meta, but I'm flattered. A ten-foot-tall balloon of me... commentating on the parade... during the parade. Well, that's Cleveland for you—always thinking k levels beyond anyone else!""
Bort Blakesel: "You know, Jim, it must be nice being one of the special ones. All of us scrambling letters around like we're playing a never-ending game of Scrabble, and there you are, Jim Donovan, untouched, unshuffled, unscathed. You're the GOAT of names—can't be beat, just cruising through history with your perfect little moniker."
Jim Donovan: "Oh, Bort, it's not all glitz and glamour, trust me. I might have dodged the letter lottery, but I've still got to call games without tripping over ‘Jack'D Qwellson' and ‘Hild Sonawp.' But hey, someone's got to stay steady in the storm, right?"
Bort Blakesel: "Sure, sure. You're the rock we all cling to when our own names go through the blender. Meanwhile, I'm over here getting called ‘Broke Saltbells' at Starbucks. But hey, Jim, just know if they ever come for you, I've got a couple of great anagrams ready. How does ‘Am Don Vinoj' sound?"
Jim Donovan: "Well, Bort, you keep working on that. If the Supreme Court ever revisits the name game, I'll give you a call. But until then, I think I'll stick with the original."
Jim Donovan (the voice of The Snworb): "Let's join Jack Hueson in Public Square for his speech in honor of this day."
Jack Hueson: "Nomen ipsum arbitrium esse potest, sed etiam magnam vim habet. Nomina mutantur, sed historia et memoria manent. Non refert quid voceris, sed quid feceris. Hoc est verum nomen, verus honos."
Bort Blakesel: "Wow, that was... that was something. Really makes you think, you know? The way Coach, uh... tied it all together. Names, history, Latin stuff. Just... brilliant."
Jim Donovan: You caught all of that, did you, Bort?"
Bort Blakesel: "Sure Jim, it reminds me of what we're celebrating today. I don't think people truly appreciate how close we were to the edge back in 1999. It could have been... The Bad Place. Baltimore. Can you imagine? Our boys playing in that city. Purple uniforms. A stadium that smells like crab cakes and regret. It's chilling to even think about."
Jim Donovan: "It was a close call, but thanks to a certain Cleveland native with a knack for comedy — it never happened."
Jim Donovan (the voice of The Snworb): "Well, folks, as the last float makes its way down the route and the confetti settles, it's time to bring this incredible day to a close. What a celebration it's been—a testament to the resilience, the humor, and the heart of Cleveland."
You know, as someone who's had the honor of calling these games, standing on the sidelines at the Joy Foundry, and witnessing the incredible journey of this team, I can say one thing for certain—there's no place like Cleveland. For years, we've stood together, through heartbreak and triumph, and we've done it with unshakable Cleveland resolve.
There was a time when we almost lost it all, when the Snworb could have been taken away to the Bad Place. But we didn't let it happen. We fought, we stayed, and we proved that this team belongs right here, with these people, in this city.
So, as we wrap up today's parade, I want to say thank you, Cleveland. Thank you for your passion, your loyalty, and for letting me be a part of this amazing journey. I've called so many unforgettable moments, and the honest truth is, I wouldn't change a single thing.
Cleveland is the Good Place. It's home. It's where the Snworb will always belong. And for that, I'll always be grateful.
Until we meet again, this is Jim Donovan, the voice of The Snworb, signing off. Stay orange, stay brown, and stay proud. Go Snworb!"