Snworb Conquer Panhandles and Their Maniac Mascot

By Cary May Tabok

Hey there, Snworb Sentinels! What a wild ride Week 10 was! Our boys in orange and brown took down the Columbus Panhandles with a decisive 28-7 victory, but let’s talk about the real scene-stealer of the night: Locomotivus, the Panhandles’ mascot. If you were at Snworb Stadium, you know exactly what I mean. If not, buckle up, because this mascot was something out of a football fever dream.

Locomotivus, for those who haven't had the pleasure, is an anthropomorphic locomotive with a manic, unsettling smile. On Sunday, at Snworb Stadium, his metallic frame clanked and whirred with every exaggerated move, and rhythmic puffs of smoke spouted from the funnel on his head. Creepy? Absolutely. Also, how?!

As the game kicked off, Locomotivus wasted no time making his presence known. He prowled the sidelines, his wild eyes bulging and that unnerving grin fixed as if he had a secret plan to derail the Snworb’s victory. But the Snworb were not to be intimidated.

Hovin Kegan, stepping up as quarterback, was cool and collected. The first-quarter touchdown pass to Flash was masterful and left Panhandles defenders scrambling. Seeking a distraction, Locomotivus attempted to lead a cheer.

Picture this: a mechanical mascot trying to rouse the Panhandles with a dance that looked like a cross between a malfunctioning robot and an overcaffeinated cheerleader. The result? The Snworb Sentinels in the stands erupted in laughter and jeers. The PA blared "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne, and somehow a chant broke out of "Off the rails! Off the rails!"

The third quarter brought more highlights. Juke Soohnnd’s 50-yard touchdown run was nothing short of spectacular. As Soohnnd broke through tackles, Locomotivus, in a fit of frustration, puffed out a massive cloud of smoke and whistled loudly. When Juke flipped the ball in his direction, the mascot's grin faltered. Again, how?!

In the fourth quarter, as the Snworb were firmly in control 28-7, Locomotivus upped the ante with an antic that was either a last, desperate attempt to unsettle our fans - or a tactic to disrupt the game. Just as the Panhandles were about to snap the ball, the stadium lights flickered ominously, and a low, eerie whistle echoed throughout Snworb Stadium.

Suddenly, the field was bathed in an eerie green light, and from the tunnel emerged Locomotivus, riding a full-sized, smoke-belching train engine straight out of a steampunk nightmare. His eyes glowed with sinister fire, and his manic grin had transformed into something far more menacing. As the train roared onto the field, sparks flew from the wheels, and the ground shook with its thunderous approach.

Locomotivus, standing atop the train, brandished a giant, electrified railroad spike, waving it menacingly at the Snworb players and the stunned crowd. The train circled the field, spewing thick, acrid smoke that created an unsettling fog. His wild laughter echoed through the smoke, as it became hard to see or breathe.

Just when it seemed the chaos couldn't escalate further, the train halted abruptly at midfield, and Locomotivus leaped off, landing with a thud. He dramatically swung the electrified spike, sending arcs of electricity crackling through the air. The Panhandles' players, momentarily frozen in a mix of fear and confusion, watched as Locomotivus stormed towards the Snworb's sideline, his grin widening with every step.

The stadium's security, realizing the threat, rushed to intervene. As they closed in, Locomotivus raised the spike high, and with a final, deafening whistle, plunged it into the ground. Sparks flew, and the ground beneath the spike exploded in a shower of pyrotechnics, creating a blinding flash that left everyone momentarily stunned.

When the smoke cleared, Locomotivus was gone, leaving behind a smoldering crater and an air of eerie silence. The crowd, initially terrified, broke into a mix of relieved laughter and applause, marveling at the sheer audacity of the stunt.

After the game, Coach Jack Hueson gathered the team in the locker room. Ever the composed leader, he raised his hand for silence and began to speak in his characteristic manner, saying first:

"Omnia vanitas, praeter fidem et fortidudo."

He paused, allowing the weight of the words to settle in before translating for the team:

"All is vanity, except for faith and courage."

His eyes swept over the players, each of them still buzzing with the adrenaline of their victory and the surreal experience they had just endured. He continued, his voice steady and reassuring:

"Tonight, we faced more than our opponent. We faced chaos and intimidation, a spectacle designed to unnerve and distract us. But you, my warriors, stood firm. You showed that our faith in each other and our courage on the field cannot be shaken by any theatrics. Remember this moment, for it is not just our skill but our spirit that carries us forward. We are the Snworb, and no force, however wild or threatening, can derail our drive to greatness."

The room erupted in cheers, the players rallying around their coach's words, ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead.

Cary May Tabok, signing off. 🏈✨

Advance Regress